Member-only story
Why I Keep Opening Another Woman’s Mail
She seems like a great gal…
This last holiday season, I received heaps of mail for another woman. Christmas cards, packages, and other fat, cheery envelopes. This woman was clearly loved, you know? I opened all of it.
I kept the spoils.
I went wild spending the gift cards.
I endorsed every last check to myself.
I waited for US Weekly to tell my story. “She seemed normal,” the neighbors all agreed. “She kept to herself. None of us knew we were living next door to The Postal Pirate.”
Piracy is so badass. Alas, it is not the driving conflict in my story, nor is it the stuff of tabloid news. It is much more straightforward: There once was a woman who got divorced. Her friends and family assumed she’d drop her married name. They addressed her mail accordingly. She wondered about this. Then she probably got hungry and ate an entire tray of Rice Krispie treats. The end.
Denise Richards will never play me on a Lifetime movie. Sally Field will never play my mom. But if she did, the film would be called, “Not Without My Full Name.”
A logical beginning for my story is April of last year. I faced a judge in family court who asked me if I would be keeping my married name after my divorce was finalized. I…
